Randomness – may be the only constant thing. I don’t know why I am starting with this word but it just popped in my mind. I don’t think I have anything different to write today again. Still the same doubts.. same trials.. same disappointments with self.. same situations of life.. same responses from people.. same story gets repeated again.. and in the end I feel disturbed as usual.. It doesn’t matter whether I show it to others or not, somewhere deep down I can’t lie to myself. Either I accept myself the way I am or I rebel or I don’t care how people feel. But nothing seems possible. Only feasible option is to keep trying the change the way I want to be. Or may be to keep trying to change the way which is acceptable. Somewhere somehow I am always alone and I can’t blame anyone else for that. People around me are good and there are some very good friends too who are there with me, still sometimes it happens.. I can’t change the world.. I have to live the way I am living for sometime till the time I find someone who can truly understand me and even tell me the same. I am not able to do it myself. It sounds weird yet its true that I do not understand myself fully.
Reading and writing are two things which I have found as an option of help. Till now it has helped a lot and I need to keep it up. I need to regulate every aspect of my life even if life gets boring due to that. I can not change what people think about me as of now but I could try and improve that with what I do from now. I am not even sure if I get bothered or not by what people think about me. Its getting complicated for me and I need to break this shell of thought process. I know I think a lot and that’s not going to help me. I have to find out some alternative….
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