Yash – Feel The Difference

I am in a transition phase right now. One journey ended yesterday and a new will begin day after tomorrow. I thought of writing about that but somehow don’t feel like writing that now. After Shades of Grey I got some very nice and different point of views so I thought of sharing few more of my confusions. I am trying to understand how people think and react in certain situation. I am also trying to understand myself these days. Life is teaching new lessons every day, sometimes in a nice way or sometimes in harsh ways. I behave like a nice student sometimes and sometimes like the bad boy. Don’t know how and where things are proceeding. Now days I just feel like going with the flow.

Sometimes I behave as if I don’t care about anything but it’s never like that truly. I think a lot about things. I do not disclose myself completely to anyone anytime but these days I just feel like writing everything here. I keep on thinking about what all is happening in life and how am I reacting? Biggest questions which arise are whether I hurt someone with my actions? Whether I am happy after doing what I did? Should I behave like this or should I change? It seems fine till I start questioning myself but if answers are contradictory then its gets difficult to decide. Should I behave in a way which makes me happy or should I behave being a good boy??

Idealists will say if you are behaving nicely with everyone, you will be happy eventually. If you do everything with nice intentions and keep your close ones happy it will reflect in your own life. I also think in the same way but somehow not able to justify these thoughts these days. I am seeing everyday that my thoughts are going nowhere as everything seems to be confusion. We do certain things just for fun without thinking much. Silly things but they make us happy and we forget tensions of our daily lives. But we get responses like you should be a bit more sensible now, grow up; you are not a kid or teenager anymore. There are expectations from you and you are not supposed to do silly stuffs. Behave in a mature manner, be responsible. Then somewhere I feel if I fulfil all my responsibilities will I be allow to do what I like sometime? Somehow I quit things which give happiness for short time and try to be more sincere, more responsible but somehow end up being a bit more tensed, a bit less efficient and very much unhappy.

This is just one aspect. Now let’s think about one other aspect.  No questions about being responsible. Somehow you are doing it nicely and you are also allowed to do anything you like. Now you have friends to spend time with. Problem arises when you have to make choices among friends. You have to go with one group at one time and leaving the others. This thing happens almost every day and you don’t need to be tensed about it generally but what if this thing becomes crazy. Whenever you are with one group they are happy with you but others get angry. Next time you go with other group and first group becomes angry. You are in a miserable state. You love company of all of them but somehow these two groups cannot coexist. They don’t want you to be with other. What to do in such a situation?? You just can’t leave some and accept some. You have to make a balance and it kills you. You end up not enjoying your time with any of them.

You will say friends are friends. You cannot and you should not classify them but somehow my thoughts are different. There are some friends which are there in your fun times. You go along with them sometimes do silly things, have fun for some time. Might not meet them again for some time and they might not take it seriously. It’s like if you are there its good even if you are not there it’s good for them. Some friends are there with whom you are very much emotionally attached too. You tend to talk regularly. Spend time together. Share good bad feelings. Have fun with each other, tease each other, and help each other. You like to spend most of your time with them but sometimes you need your happy go lucky friends also with whom you do all mischievous things, all good bad stuff which might not be considered nice but which keeps you happy and alive. But problem arises when thinking clashes.

When your emotionally attached friends feel you should not do any silly thing, should not go with your so called bad group. Even if you go with them, you should not indulge with them, try to be isolate. Sometimes situations arise to choose between two emotionally attached friends also. You have to be with one at a time and leave the other. You somehow are with one but somewhere you feel guilty about not being with other. You show from outside that you are happy with whom so ever you are but things are killing you inside. Other will say you were so happy and enjoying, why will you bother about us? They will see your pics of enjoying with others and feel bad. They will say that you said you missed us but it’s all lie, you were enjoying with them really. If you do not indulge with who you are they will say you are here with us but you are not happy. In the end everyone is angry with you. You are trying your best to compromise and not to hurt any of them. One thing is you have put your own happiness on secondary level, just trying to make others happy. Other thing is you are not going with your so called bad group which won’t ask you anything anytime; but if you go with them you will have fun.

But whatever you try you won’t be able to keep everyone happy. Then you will think should I quit trying making others happy?? Should I just be the bad guy who just keeps himself happy, never bothered about anyone? He tries hard but he is never successful. Almost every time his loved ones are unhappy, they always have questions about his intentions, his priorities. All his trials are questioned. He is always said, “You do not bother. Nothing matters to you. You never try not to hurt.” He is trying his best to be good and in this process he is somehow not happy. In the end he is neither good nor happy.

So the question is should he quit trying to be good and become bad (again)? Is it okay to be selfish sometimes? Is it okay to love yourself more than others sometimes? Should he become ignorant? Or is he behaving in a kiddish way? Should he be patient enough to make everyone happy by behaving nicely? Should he keep faith in ideal philosophy? What is more important?? We say that keeping our loved ones happy is more important than anything else and they say they will be happy if we are happy but they get irritated and angry by the things we do to be happy. So we do not do them. We are not happy and eventually they are not happy because we have a sad face. What is the solution of this cycle?? What to do and what not to do? Should we be good or should we be happy??